6 Myths About Grief

When losing someone, do we know what to do? No. This is because, from an early age, they taught us how we should behave in certain situations, how to get things, how to talk… but  no one taught us what we should do when we lose someone, when we see ourselves being consumed by  grief.

Today we’re going to talk about the  6 erroneous beliefs  that society and people around us say about grief. You remember at least one, don’t you?

1. “One evil remedies the other”

We were taught that  to overcome a loss, we must replace it. For example, if our pet dies, we need to adopt another one. So what does this teach us?

Replacing someone will provide us with the  relief  we seek to face the pain. Do you recognize the expression that “ there are many fish in the sea” ? You’ve probably said you’ve already said such a thing to someone, or you’ve been told that, even more so when a breakup happens. Are you relieved about it? Feel stronger?

We should never try to replace something or someone that was very important to us. Even if there are more people or another partner to occupy our lives, it would not be the same. Why escape the pain? Are we so weak that we can’t face the pain?

2. If you suffer, suffer in solitude

When we cry, we are suffering and going through a very sad moment, we want to be alone. This is what we were taught. That we must not cry in public; that we must repress our feelings .

When facing grief, if we want to cry, we should do it secretly, in intimacy. Showing our emotions in public is a  shame. Sadness is not presentable, unlike joy. This is a myth.

The only thing this demonstrates is that sadness is not good,  that it is not a desired emotion. But it is not wanted by others, who are uncomfortable with someone who is sad, because for us it is an emotion like any other, which is impossible to avoid.

3. “Time heals everything”

Another belief that made us believe is that,  over time, everything is forgotten and the   pain  goes away. We must specify: it depends on the person and the meaning that the lost person has for him.

The idea that “time heals everything” exists because,  with time, we no longer feel as sad as when the loss was recent. This does not imply that our pain is healed. A mother who has lost a child, for example, will likely never  be healed from the wound  caused by the loss. Years may pass and the pain will never find calm or cure. What happens is that the person learns to live with the pain.

4. This will pass in a week

Does the mourning last an accounted time? Grief is personal. It may take a week for some, months or years for others. Taking away the importance of it,  saying that in a certain time it will pass, is a very cynical thing to do.

We don’t forget that we lost someone. The duration will depend on ourselves and the affection we have with that someone. We won’t get over grief when we want, we’ll get over it  when we’re ready.

5. You need to be distracted

According to beliefs, distraction relieves and heals us. False! Being busy doesn’t distract us and, even less, heals our wounds. Our emotions cannot be fooled. We can lessen our grief but never end it. Sooner or later, it will reappear with more force.

Accept  your pain, let it flow. Don’t try to distract yourself from what you feel. Accept, assume and feel. You cannot reject something that is natural, something that, irretrievably, has to pass. Even if you don’t want to, even if you rebel, if you deny, the pain will still be there.

6. Be strong!

Holding on and being strong  are two principles for not collapsing in the face of loss. Conversely, those who follow these principles are the first to fall apart. Why? Because they carry the pain inside them. They put on a mask of integrity and strength while being destroyed from within.

Here, then, is the  dreaded weakness. The one we don’t want to be noticed by anyone, but it’s already known to everyone. Why can’t we show ourselves weak? Why demonstrate this fictitious strength we don’t have? We are not statues! We feel, suffer and suffer.  Let us put aside false appearances.

These are the 6 beliefs about grief that we have learned and that mark our lives. Have you identified with any of them? Certainly yes. We are continually avoiding feeling… distracting ourselves from what causes pain; being strong when, in reality, we are sad. Let’s face up to our grief and avoid these beliefs that make us vulnerable. Pain does not weaken, pain makes us aware of what we want so much.