Complaining Assertively: An Art

Who has never had reasons, reasons or needs in life that lead us to complain? Human relations are a conflictual terrain, in which negotiations, concessions and agreements are permanently defined. But the results are not always the best. Sometimes these agreements, implicit or explicit, are not reached or fulfilled, and that is when you must complain; but with assertiveness.

How not to complain at work if sometimes people give more importance to their own interests than their needs? How not to complain to our partner if he starts acting indifferently, hostile or disinterested? How can you not complain to your family if you are sometimes asked to do things that you cannot do or that you do not really want to do?

At first, most of the time these small injustices are not serious, but they can be the seed of more complex problems that cannot go unnoticed. A good complaint in time is better than a silence that can generate future storms. The key is knowing how to complain. Here are some ideas that will help you advance the art of assertiveness.

Train the art of assertive complaining

As with any art, assertively complaining also takes practice. In reality, there are very few cases where we have received any kind of instruction on how to do this, so it’s best that you start with basic training.

Start with small complaints, aiming to be effective at what you ask for. Ideally, you should try to do this with people who are not part of your daily environment, and who do something to deserve the complaint. For example, an electrician who did the installation poorly. It’s about exposing to the person what seems wrong to you, but quietly and clearly.

Recognize the best in others and always use the first person

This is a magic key in the world of assertiveness and it doesn’t just apply to complaints, but to all kinds of situations. Instead of exposing your discomfort by questioning what the other person did or said, express how the situation affects you  to seek the other’s understanding.

Let’s take an example: you have a boss who gradually gives you more and more work, until you reach a point where you can’t leave on time, unless you extend your journey without earning any compensation in return. You are afraid to complain because he is demanding and is always saying that the number of employees will be reduced.

You could say he’s bypassing his right to keep a set work schedule. However, if you do it this way, think that the result will certainly be open conflict or, in any case, some kind of resentment.

So, the best thing is to find a suitable time to explain to the other person what this situation represents for you. Say, for example, that you understand that there is a lot of work and that you know he wants everything to go well. Add that you want to collaborate, but that you were forced to extend your workday to do so and that this is causing disruption in other aspects of your life.

Increase your ability to be simple, direct and stay calm

The best communication is one that gets straight to the point. It’s not that you need to be concise or dry, but you should have a kind way of posing your complaint bluntly, simply, and without going overboard. Rodeos are often interpreted as insecurity or an attempt at manipulation.

What complements this assertive way of communicating is that you work on self-control of emotions. If you stay calm, your chances of solving the problem increase exponentially. Remember that no one is born with self-control, this is an acquired skill. Work on it.

Perseverance and Selection

Many of the conflicts or disagreements are not easily resolved. Sometimes it is not enough to file an assertive and respectful complaint for the other party to understand. You must be patient and persistent so that they treat you fairly. You will often be required to file your complaint more than once.

Anyway,  there are also  complaints that we must leave behind if the objective to reach is not significant. Why spend your time and energies on a complaint that the other person is unwilling to admit, not because it is unreasonable, but because there is no intention to acknowledge their rights, expectations, and needs?

In these cases, it is absurd to persist. The best way out is to try to put an end to the situation that, in essence, is insoluble. You may lose something momentarily, but in the long run, you will certainly gain a lot more.