Doubts Within A Look
And how much doubt there was in that look. She had no choices to make, but there was a question whether she should continue with the story she was living. The truth is, his heart wanted another way. Until now, she believed she was on the right path, until it was time to say yes. And who doesn’t want to say yes? But how many changes would she need to force herself to live or get used to? She was convinced of her happiness and didn’t need the certainty that came from outside, but her certainty, the one that the heart itself speaks, that certainty in relation to everything that involved this relationship, she still didn’t have.
He had already been putting off this suffering for a few days, he didn’t feel comfortable talking about giving up with anyone. She was afraid of what she might face, she already knew that the battle would be a long and tenebrous war, and she needed to plan all the details very well, so that nothing was left unsaid.
This love was different and her uncertainty revolved around the question: how could she not love that man ? She would wonder if she was out of it all. He was calm, accepted her complaints, talked little and had a calm look, a serene step, it was good, but for her, he was just him.
It was then that there was a proposal of marriage twice, and they live together, this story is not what she always dreamed of and why it stays in the air, because she only thought about being on the beach alone, listening to that sound that she so much loves, sipping a glass of wine and bringing her daydreams of a life that feels like a century ago. Where did your dreams go? Why was life together no longer as important as it used to be? What actually changed ?
It’s funny, because she thinks about the end and feels a tightness in her chest and it all turns to confusion in her head. Because not wanting is not as easy as wanting. How to deny her dreams, how to understand that every truth she dreamed of was just an illusion? A remnant of an image thrown on the living room sofa, waiting for the next video game game, without pomp, glamour, love, and all that stuff.
And your heart now beats, beats relentlessly, for an adventure in the desert. His dreams are small carry-on bags, a backpack and a road outside, to open up spaces, to meet people, without fear. But she almost sees no way out, her dream is at the front door, ringing the doorbell, pizza in one hand and a satisfied smile on her face.
She couldn’t tear someone’s life apart, as they had her so many times. Destroying dreams is a very serious matter and must be handled with great, very zeal. And thinking about this whole story, suddenly her throat seems to close and she feels a tear catch her breath, in the 21st century there was no way to pretend and run away from herself. His freedom of choice did not allow for an act. A certain desperation takes over her sanity, everything seems to no longer make sense, so in an act of asking for help she kneels in prayer and asks God to guide her thoughts, her decisions, but the constant silence of prayer to God hangs in the air, no responses from nowhere.
She looks at that man sitting on her couch, eating pizza and laughing at something silly on TV, feels tenderness, which is not enough to warm her heart with passion, but wait a little longer, back off, gnaw your nail, go to the window, asking in silent help that he understand its signals. Yes, she was completely cowardly, immature and selfish and wasn’t afraid of these judgments, she just didn’t want to have to say an end. She wanted to be the one to sour the end in the pit of her stomach, but never to destroy the illusion of someone who dreamed at her side one day. It turns out that today there was no other way, the game was a chessboard where checkmate was essential, but she didn’t understand anything about games, nothing at all.
So once again he rang the bell. She opened the door announcing the end, and so, of all the things she had seen in her life, the disappointment in that look, consciously caused, was perhaps the worst of all.
It was goodbye, tears, relief for one, suffocation for another, a new start for one, an end for the other. A sad day for two with two opposite reasons. The absurd feeling of not controlling or understanding. The record plays scratched on the record player, she cries alone, looks up at the April night sky and there a thousand stars dance with the moon, the smell of night envelops her consciousness: it’s over and the end, like any end, is tragic and it hurts.
Her eyes fixed on the night and she knew her way was ahead, opening up, and now she didn’t want to wait for anything, just live what she had. Living each unique experience that life presents, and she knows she will use them all in the best way.
Maybe that look will never leave your memory,
but your heart goes on knowing you did your best at that moment.
One love goes, another love comes, and life dances in step with the incessant Ferris wheel of an amusement park that exists inside the mind. Happiness exists pure and simple, it completes nothing and she goes on her way, smiling at life that winks an eye and already has a rabbit in her hat for the next trick!
