Emotional Intelligence, Resource To Improve Family Life
In recent years, science has discovered the great importance that emotions play in our lives. Researchers have shown that the emotional awareness and the ability to manage feelings are more important than IQ, and that emotional intelligence is what will determine the success and happiness in all areas of life, including family relationships.
“Family life is our first school for emotional learning,” writes Daniel Goleman. This is why it is so important to be aware of how family experiences influence children, and to act accordingly.
Children learn most lessons about emotions from their parents. This includes the ability to control impulses, delay gratification, motivate oneself, read others’ social cues, and cope with life’s ups and downs , managing tension and anxiety appropriately.
Within the family, says Goleman, we learn about ourselves and how others react to our feelings; about how to think about these feelings and about the options we have for responding to them. This way of acting offers children a model for managing their own feelings.
Self-knowledge, the basis for raising children with emotional intelligence
Past and childhood experiences are present when parents face the challenge of educating their children. It is essential to be aware of the influence that past memories have, and the feelings provoked when they are negative. If nothing is done, if we are not aware of our own feelings, we run the risk of developing standards of education contrary to what we want for our children.
When parents become aware of the desires, motivations and feelings that invade them in happy times and in times of conflict and concern, they are better able to control their impulses, especially in situations of emotional tension with children.
This lays the foundation for adequate emotional competence. Since parents are able to manage their feelings, their children will also be able to. However, if parents get carried away by anger and lose control, their children will replicate the pattern learned from their parents.
Educating emotions in the family
Knowing how to manage emotions is fundamental for the emotional health of children, as this way they will have a stable and secure support to mature. When parents are able to properly manage their emotions and are able to detect their children’s needs, they contribute to their feeling secure. This sense of security provides a foundation that supports them when they need help, comfort, or care.
John Gottman proposes the following emotional training process for parents to help their children manage their emotions:
1. Become aware of the child’s emotions;
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching;
3. Listening with empathy, validating the child’s feelings;
4. Help the child find the words to label the emotion he is feeling;
5. Set boundaries and explore strategies to solve the problem at hand.
Gottman says that children whose parents consistently practice this emotional training have better physical health and better academic results than children whose parents do not offer this guidance. These “emotionally trained” children get along better with their friends, have fewer behavioral problems and are less prone to acts of violence. Furthermore, these children express less negative feelings and more positive feelings. Finally, they are healthier emotionally.
Gottman also comments that when mothers and fathers use this style of training in raising their children, they become more resilient and that, even if they continue to get upset and angry, or get scared under difficult circumstances, they are better able to cope. to calm down, to recover from the anguish and continue with productive activities. In other words, they are more emotionally intelligent.
