Feeling Alone In A Relationship: Emotional Coldness That Creates Distance

Feeling alone in the relationship is experiencing one of the deepest and, at the same time, acute sufferings. It hurts not to know the reason for this emotional coldness.

It’s strange to have the person we love by our side and yet not feel it. Few loneliness are more problematic (in addition to being common) than those that occur in a shared home.

Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer rightly said that solitude is very beautiful, whenever we have someone to express it to.

However, as impressive as it may seem, there are many situations in which a large number of people with a stable social life around them find themselves alone and disconnected from their surroundings. Something like this not only causes psychological suffering, but also health problems.

The subject is not new. Feeling alone in the relationship is something that has always existed. However, currently, and thanks to studies on the loneliness of the population, we are discovering more data on this anatomy of suffering that appears at almost all ages.

This condition can be present in relationships of young couples and is common mainly in older adults.

Why can someone feel alone in a relationship?

There are dramas that do not need visible words, aggressions or tragedies for suffering to appear. In fact, the greatest sadness arises in the silence of everyday life, little by little and in that everyday life where a person who before swore eternal love moves away and unwittingly presents an emotional coldness.

Something like this doesn’t really happen overnight. This psychological distance (which is not always physical) appears in almost unsuspected ways. It’s not giving importance to previous customs or rituals, it’s forgetting details, it’s listening to the other but not listening to what they say, it’s letting oneself go with the routine and not feeling like doing different things together…

These types of situations have a serious impact. Realizing how the partner seems to be mentally situated elsewhere is not only painful, it is also the source of many other problems.

Experts such as Dr. Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, philosopher, psychologist and specialist in affective relationships, point out the following:

• We must differentiate the fact of being alone from the phenomenon of loneliness. Being alone is not having anyone with us, so we are facing a physical reality. On the other hand, loneliness is an increasingly common psychological factor and is experienced mainly by people who live as a couple.
• This type of loneliness often lays the foundation for depressive and anxiety disorders. The suffering is maximum and, according to studies such as the one carried out by the University of Manchester (United Kingdom) by Dr. Greg Miller, loneliness as a psychological phenomenon is as dangerous to health as tobacco or sedentary lifestyle.

Let’s look at what reasons might be behind the fact that you feel alone in a relationship.

The lack of love and the fear of acting

Sometimes, lack of love seems like a cold wind whose source we don’t identify. Suddenly, and without the need for anything to happen, everything loses its shine, its meaning and its transcendence. Emotions are no longer the same and it is useless to force them or make them see what we no longer feel.

Lack of love does not always need a concrete reason for it to arise, it just appears, and when it does, it can be equally disheartening for both members of the couple.

However, when we are fully aware that we no longer love the other, we must act and clarify our feelings. Mistakes (and self-deceptions) that remain over time have serious consequences. One of them is to make the other suffer by noticing the evident emotional coldness.

The routine that catches us

Feeling alone in the relationship is more likely when the routine is heavier. There are times when we just let go. The work, the obligations, the children… Everything falls into a mechanical rhythm in which there is no room for affection, for looking each other in the eye and meeting again.

In the end, even conversations are routine, which erodes love and intimacy. Against this, we can try to introduce changes ourselves or ask for professional help. Passivity rarely solves the problem.

What if the source of the feeling of loneliness is you?

There is a third dimension to be considered in feeling alone in a relationship. Sometimes there comes a time in our lives when an unexplained emptiness arises. In this existential gap, dissatisfaction, the lack of meaning and even the fear of changing what surrounds us are mixed.

This kind of situation is more common than we think. There are people who feel alone in the relationship because they are no longer the same ; in them, frustration for not having what they want is present.

In these cases, there are no culprits, and although we believe that it is the other who has changed and is no longer able to give us what we need, in reality it may be us.

Sometimes we are the ones who evolve, we grow in perspectives to the point of changing tastes, needs or motivations  (another professional projection, greater independence, new social and personal connections, etc.).

To conclude, loneliness in a relationship is as recurrent as it is deadly for many of them. First, because it causes suffering and psychological and health problems. Second, because no one should or deserve to experience this kind of pain that leaves so many sequels.

So let’s investigate the cause behind this situation. Let’s talk with our partners and come up with solutions, being honest, respectful and responsible.