I Don’t Fill Gaps, I Don’t Fill Absences: I Love

There are those who find their happiness by healing wounds, the emptiness of others. No one can deny that at times it can be comforting to be the balm that heals past storms, the antidote to those bitternesses others have left in the hearts of those we love now.

Being this key part in the daily life of the loved one is important. But  no one was born to be an everyday crutch, nor a handkerchief of tears, much less that potion with which an impossible love or a love that hurts is forgotten.

This doesn’t mean at all that you shouldn’t worry about your partner’s past, knowing what your needs are, what your inner scars and hidden demons are.

You need to know these things, but don’t try to cast yourself as the hero or heroine who intends to save and heal all your wounds. It is not your task, it is not your essential responsibility.

Our purpose is to accompany, grow as a couple, contribute and receive, love and be loved.  It is to build a project together where efforts are shared.

Voids of the soul that turn into abysses of distance in the couple

Have you ever had a partner with this kind of characteristics?  These are people who demand more than they contribute. At first, they tend to captivate because in their eyes, we are like that spirit that gives strength to all their needs, strength to their needs and affection to their emptiness.

If you’ve lived this in your own skin, you understand what this kind of relationship means. But even though there are many people who fall for them on more than one occasion, the first thing we think about is why this happens.

– A person with voids is someone with low self-esteem who needs to reaffirm.

– This type of personality is attractive because, at the beginning, they make us feel useful, special and important:  only I make you happy, only my love makes you happy, makes you forget the past, feel alive…

– In the beginning, a relationship with a high passionate intensity is created. It is a love that needs, but it cannot be forgotten that “the loves that are necessary also become demanding”.

– When someone is full of emptiness, he is inhabited by insecurities.  For this reason, it is common for them to show suspicion, for them to desire continuous demonstrations of love, which end up becoming, little by little, a clear emotional blackmail.

– What do we mean when a person has voids? Voids are unresolved wounds from the past. It’s impotence, low self-esteem and a frustration that, far from being resolved, becomes a weapon.

The hard responsibility to cure all these needs is placed on the partner.

Your responsibility is not to fill gaps: you deserve to love and be loved

We talked about it at the beginning and we reiterated it again: as a partner, as a person who has volunteered to another person, you deserve to be liked and liked.

Your responsibility is not to heal, it is not to be an everyday shelter, nor someone who meets the needs of others without considering their own.

We all know that it is very difficult to control who we fall in love with. It just happens, unintentionally, unintentionally.

Because there are loves that hold and drag like gales that blind us, and although they make us feel alive, they also hurt us.

However, it is good that you have these principles clear in your daily life:

• Cultivate a mature and conscious love, where both members are able to allow the personal growth of the loved one, and at the same time providing the person’s own growth.
• You are not a healer of wounds, a filler of holes, nor a hero who chases away fears.
• You can play this role for a few weeks, a few months… but then it won’t be a love anymore, it will be a condemnation.
• You support and deserve to be supported, you care and encourage, and you allow yourself to be attended to and valued every day.
• Love is growth, it is fullness, it is happiness inscribed in small acts. Without complicity, respect and mutual dedication, love is neither complete nor authentic.

Images courtesy: Byron Eggenschwiler, Happy Monson.