Learn How To Turn Silence Into A Communication Ally

We usually believe that the silence of the other in a discussion gives us the reason, but what is certain is that this silence allows us to reflect and listen to ourselves, especially if our speech is full of censorship. Keep in mind that the one who shuts up doesn’t always consent, but sometimes the silence of the other teaches you the damage that your words cause when they come out of your mouth uncontrollably in the heat of a dispute.

Being silent and listening should not be signs of weakness, but of intelligence, respect and understanding for the other, because if we all scream, no one listens or learns. If we all scream, we lose our reason and the words end up coming back out of control over and over in ears that hear them, losing all their meaning, or what is even worse, becoming projectiles full of criticisms that add nothing, only destroy.

we are slaves to our words

On many occasions the words are not carried by the wind, but end up digging themselves like daggers in the hearts of the people who hear them. Do not intend to bandage a wounded heart, destroyed by your words. Shut up before it’s too late, reflect and put yourself in the other’s shoes.

When discussions are continuously on the same topic without reaching any understanding, that is, if they are recurrent discussions, it is very common that the so-called “emotional escalation” takes place. This escalation consists of censoring the reason for annoyance without stopping to listen to the other person’s point of view, even raising the tone of voice before the listener so that they respond in the same way, and thus effective communication is impossible.

Keep in mind that if you only have old words, it is very difficult to put them together to say something new. This is because you are always condemned to the same message and the same record to express yourself, and to do so is a sign that you are not listening, and that your words ignore what the other is saying.

If someone is silent, it is not that they are submissive, but that they are reflecting and trying to empathize, thus achieving as much as possible to improve communication. To achieve this, silence can be a great ally. Consider that a good communicator uses silence to see where he is wrong, and how he can improve his response next.

In silence, words acquire the value they deserve

After silence, and when this is not misinterpreted, calm usually comes, as there is a time for reflection, and a meeting point with the other is possible. We end up communicating what bothers us. Thus, only when we have understood the other’s point of view, which is not the same as ours, can we understand that we are two different people, who think differently but can understand each other.

For this we must explain ourselves in the best possible way, expressing our emotions, but without hurting the other. A very useful tool for achieving this is “me messages”.

Messages from the self are those that don’t include censorship, but rather start from what we’re feeling, our opinions, and what we want. Thus, we eliminate the blaming of the other, without ceasing to manifest what we feel.

An example of such messages would be for example saying: “I think/I feel/I believe…” in place of the typical “because you did this/you said that/you made me feel…”. These messages include complete communications, that is, we can start by describing the situation or what the other did, without entering into valuation, immediately introducing the “me message” and ending up with a possible alternative form of what happened.

A complete example would be as follows:

• Description of the situation: Last night, when we were having dinner with our friends at our house and you didn’t help me set the table,
• Message from the self: made me feel like I was your maid, like I was in the place of serving instead of being your wife,
• Alternative to what happened:  I wish you had set the table and collected the dishes with me.

Speaking in this way is a matter of creating a custom. Listening, reflecting for a moment in silence, and contesting is not something that will happen automatically for us, but we can practice until it does.

It’s normal that if we’ve had another way of communicating all our lives, it’s very difficult at first or we feel a little silly doing it. We may even feel that we are losing strength, but over time this habit will serve to build relationships that are much more open and fluid.