Shall I Forgive To Heal?

Forgiving is not an easy challenge. It is even more complicated the closer the person who caused the damage is and the deeper it is. In this article, we’ll look deeper and try to answer a question: is it necessary to forgive in order to heal? 

In reality, as much as we can come up with strategies or ideas, there is no universal manual for healing wounds, whether those we cause or those that cause us. On the other hand, and in the same context, there is pain: sometimes with such intensity that it impedes progress towards forgiveness or the construction of a new story.

What does forgiveness mean?

According to the dictionary, the word forgive means: “excuse, absolve, remit (penalty, guilt, debt, etc.)” .

On the other hand, far beyond semantics, each culture lives and understands forgiveness differently. Even the same person can give it different meanings at different stages of your life.

However, both parties associate the act of forgiving with a form of relief. Forgiveness was even considered therapeutic. Many forgiving people report that a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders.

Forgiveness to heal as an obligation

Some societies or groups project the idea that forgiveness is a virtue that, because of its qualities, becomes a kind of duty. So many people pretend to grant forgiveness out of a sense of obligation. This, in turn, reduces the natural process of forgiveness. In fact, this false projection of forgiveness becomes an obstacle to granting it, achieving it, or receiving it.

If you think about situations that most people would find difficult to overcome, such as rape, it might be easier to understand why it can be so difficult to forgive. Now, if a person who has suffered feels they have an “obligation” to forgive, they may feel guilty for not doing so.

Thus,  forgiving does not always lead to healing  if what it does is prolong the suffering over time. Therefore, we must reflect on the extent to which forgiveness is appropriate.

Sometimes people associate forgiveness with forgetting an offense. When you force yourself to forgive, you can also do yourself great harm. For this reason, there are people who think that forgiveness goes beyond forgetting. These people propose that it is about getting rid of the burden so as not to harm yourself. By releasing this burden, you can recall the event without the negative feelings that used to accompany it.

Forgive to heal as a choice

When forgiveness is a sincere choice, it favors healing, even in those situations where you believe it is unimaginable to achieve forgiveness.

How would that be possible? You need to see forgiveness as an act of letting go, not just reconciliation. Then you can let go of the rancor and anger or express those feelings by forgiving and considering what happened as a learning experience. However, if you consider it an act of reconciliation, it is more complex to apply it to all situations.

Furthermore,  you have every right to take your time to forgive or even not forgive. Likewise, you have the right to heal yourself without taking action. Not all healing involves forgiveness. Resilience helps to overcome situations that cause a lot of pain.

Now, if you want to work on forgiveness or find out how to achieve it, there are books that can help. An example would be  The Seven Steps of Forgiveness, by Daniel Lumera, which shows the true meaning of forgiveness.

Also, if you find it difficult to forgive, you can reframe your experiences. In other words, give them a new meaning, one that’s healthier for you. This promotes learning and will help you to be in tune with who you are, without having to push.

In short,  forgiving is a very personal choice. It depends on your perception of forgiveness, the beliefs you associate with it, the society you live in, what you have learned, among other things. If it’s going to contribute to your well-being, go for it!