The Secret To Good Couple Communication
We often hear that to have a good relationship good communication is the most important thing. And it’s true, but in the end everyone will give this phrase their own interpretation. Some will think they have enough talk to their partners and others will think about what they have to talk about.
Communication goes beyond talking or not talking, or talking. It has more to do with what you say and how you say it.
What are the most common mistakes in couple communication?
Most of the mistakes we usually make in couple communication have to do with not knowing how to express oneself correctly or due to lack of respect for oneself or for the other person:
– We impose our criteria believing that our point of view is better than that of our partners.
– We frequently express defects and complaints from the partner, sometimes in an exaggerated way.
– We want the other person to be as we want.
– We are not interested in our partner’s views or beliefs.
– We don’t let our partner express himself.
– We assume what he is going to say and we constantly interrupt him.
– We manipulate to get what we want.
– We are right even if we do not agree.
The result of this pattern of behavior can weaken the relationship to the point of termination in many cases.
How could I communicate correctly with my partner?
Regardless of whether we are aggressive, passive or manipulative in our communication, there is a middle ground called assertiveness within everyone’s reach.
Assertiveness is just a form of expression in which respect for oneself and others is sought.
Expressing the thoughts, feelings and way of seeing the world through words or gestures, in a calm and appropriate way, while wanting to know the feelings and thoughts of the other in order to understand them better.
How could you be more assertive?
I. Express your appreciation for his qualities
More likely, you appreciate certain qualities or actions in your partner. Something about his looks, his temper, something he says or does, whatever. Expressing it verbally or otherwise is good for both of you as you both will be able to feel better.
Our environment would improve significantly if instead of complaints or criticism there were more expressions of appreciation.
For example, it’s not the same thing to say, “I would like to tell you that, although it doesn’t seem like it, I pay close attention to the effort you make to help and support me. It makes me feel good. Thanks for everything.”, d what to say: “If you want to help, do it right!”
II. Accept the displays of affection and urbanity
It is also possible for your partner to express his appreciation for you. Don’t doubt your sincerity, the fact that you don’t believe it doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t. Accept these demonstrations of course, a simple “thank you” is enough.
For example you can tell him: How beautiful you are . And you end up answering : Yes, with that hair…
Remember not to doubt your sincerity, just say “thank you”.
III. Be able to say “No”
Keep in mind that the responsibility for saying “No” is yours alone and saying “Yes” when you want to say “No” is not sincere and hurts your feelings.
You are within your rights to refuse requests without feeling guilty or selfish. Remember that you don’t reject the person, just the request, although there may be a lack of understanding on the part of your partner.
For example: it’s not the same thing to say, ” I understand you want us to go to this meeting, but right now I don’t.” Than going unwillingly to a place where the two of them will probably have a bad time in the end.
IV. order what you want
A very common mistake is to expect your partner to do something without telling him or her at any time. We all have the right to express what we want, but if we don’t, we will have to understand that others cannot guess it, no matter how well they know each other. If you really want something, express it appropriately.
For example, it is not the same thing to say: “ I would like us to go for a walk in the afternoon, what do you think?” Than being internally frustrated because your partner never has the idea of going for a walk.
V. Explain what you think or how you feel
State clearly what you think or how you feel. Be positive or negative, but always with respect for the other. There is no better way for your partner to understand you than by showing your emotions. “This is what I think…”, “I’m upset with you because…”, “It scares me…”.
Accumulating emotions can make us explode at some point.
For example, it’s not the same thing to say: ” Every time you’re late I worry, I’d like you to take into account that if this happens again, remember to let me know.” Than blaming the other, hiding our emotions and saying, “You’re always late! Every time you go out it’s the same story!”
SAW. beware of accusations
It’s very easy to get carried away with anger and blame our partner when we feel bad. So, to avoid confrontations that lead to nothing, it’s best to:
Asking Questions Instead of Accusing
How could it be, ” Are you listening to me?” , instead of directly accusing and saying, ” Again, you’re not listening to me!”
Commenting on what your partner does without qualifying him
For example: ” I’ve noticed that lately you forget about the clothes thrown on the bed after you change.” Instead of: “You’re a disaster, every time you change your clothes you leave the room in a mess.”
Avoid generalizations as always or never
For example it’s better to say: “ Lately you’re not taking out the garbage .” What to say: ” You never take out the trash.”
VII. Use assertive terms in our conversation
I think, feel, let’s do, want, what you think, what it looks like, how can we solve this, I’d like…
Maintaining assertive communication with your partner does not guarantee the absence of arguments and problems, but it does facilitate a mutual understanding and respect that will slowly take shape. You will always have this option at hand, just choose it.
