When We Feel Jealous Of Our Partner’s Past
These insatiable jealousies of our partner’s past… Do you know them? Have you ever been their victim? (Both on one side and on the other). Perhaps you have already fallen into this endless labyrinth of past jealousy. Many people suffer from jealousy, not only of the here and now, but also of their partner’s past.
The insecurity of the present is not enough, but the partner’s past appears like a hurricane that completely devastates their tranquility, peace of mind and internal security. This jealousy does not appear suddenly, it is often sought after: the person morbidly searches for every detail of the stories and relationships that the other person lived in the past.
Details are always insufficient for the hungry, ravening monster of jealousy. Nothing is enough. It’s like a kind of spillway where everything enters, where everything is welcome and the person goes crazy. Not only does she want to know about her current partner’s past relationships, she needs to know all the details of those relationships.
The jealousy of the past is a hungry monster that is never satiated
Of course, one of the obsessions is to know what that person was like physically. What was your way of being, how you treated you, what you felt… Many people are asking themselves: What for? Is it a kind of masochism? The logic of a “purely” rational mind would think: Why know the past if it chose you?
“The past is past. No need to worry about that. What if he wants to go back to his past? Let him come back. You’ll know what to do next.” You may have heard these words from a friend, or a friend, a rational person who tries to put filters and limits on so much mental and emotional clutter.
But what’s behind this obsession about your partner’s emotional past? This is the question we ask ourselves in this situation. Data, data and more data. The more the better, because it’s never enough for this huge monster’s hunger.
Insecurity is the basis of all jealousy
Somehow, the need arises for us to want to be the only person in our partner’s life. But what’s behind wanting to be the only person in your life? There is a basic insecurity (in capital letters, underlined and in bold). Self-esteem is destroyed; we need to look outside for the security that does not exist within us. This is something that completely destabilizes us.
We are desperately looking for data to confirm that we are the only one: the most admirable and special person in the whole world. That by some strange chance this person managed to live “a life” away from us (his only true love) before meeting us.
Dependence is a consequence of this brutal insecurity. If my pillars are crumbling, I desperately look to something outside of me for support. I will look for someone who will serve as a mirror, who will reflect everything I am not able to see or appreciate about myself. And I’m going to cling to that mirror until emotional and mental toxicity.
We depend on others when we don’t learn to take care of ourselves
All means are justified for my purpose, because it is not just any purpose or small: I need to stay alive at any cost, not disappear, I need the ravenous insecurity I feel not to corrode my existence. And if I have to hang on to one person at all costs, I’ll do it. Because if you don’t grab me, I’ll disappear; I’m nobody.
Really, feeling jealous of your partner’s past is a very common problem and we need to have a look that tries to go beyond that. Everything has a meaning. This is the meaning that we need to look for and analyze, to finally revert all of this in a way to help, rebuild, take care of and accept ourselves as we really are. Because comparing yourself with others is a futile exercise in bitter echoes.
The comparison is useless because we are all different. Each person is unique, value and love yourself from that difference. From there, look at yourself clearly, don’t let yourself be blinded by arguments that have weakened your mental health. Take care of yourself. The battle to end jealousy is not an easy task, it is fighting a giant that is rooted in the depths of our being.
You can always start over!
