Who Knows How To Hear You Feel Even If You Don’t Say Anything
There are magical people. They are those who know how to listen and hide a sensor in their heart to immediately warn of their sadness, illusions or joys. They don’t need to be told anything, because they know how to read between the lines, between looks and through gestures. They speak the language of affection and their eyes hide an ocean of calm where we like to seek refuge.
Emily Dickinson said in one of her poems that no one would live in vain if they could, for once, keep a heart from breaking, avoid the agony of a lifetime, help a lost bird find its nest, or soothe a person’s pain. . But beyond the poetic that these dimensions may seem, behind them there is an essential idea: to help, it is necessary to feel the need for the other.
However, and we all know this, in our daily lives there is a very dark presence called hypocrisy. Little by little, we accepted his reign in an almost implacable way, to the point that there is no shortage of people who extol the noble values of altruism and respect while every day puts on the armor of this hermetic “I” where it is unable to see, feel and understand who is close by.
Let’s not forget that those who most need help don’t always know or can ask for it. Because those who suffer do not carry posters, in fact they often hide in silence, like the teenager who locks himself in his room, the boyfriend who shuts up on the other half of the sofa, or the girlfriend who lets her tears fall on the other side of the bed .
Knowing how to “feel and perceive” the other’s need is what makes us worthy at a human level, because we make use of this emotional closeness that enriches us as a species when we care about those close to us. We propose that you reflect on this.
I feel you and understand you without your saying anything: emotional reading
Although we don’t believe it, most of us have an exceptional power: mind reading. That’s exactly what Daniel Siegel tells us, doctor of psychiatry at Harvard University and director of the ” Center for Culture, Brain, and Development “. In his book “ The Mindful Brain ”, he explains to us that each of us can become great “mind readers”, because the mind – and here is the most important point – is governed by a whole universe of emotions that we must be able to decipher.
In fact, most of us apply this “superpower” daily. Just look at the way our boss feels and suck in air to let him know that something isn’t right. We understand from the tone our friend uses to talk to us that something worries her. We also know when our little son lies to us and when our brother falls in love with someone again.
Emotions are like bubbles in champagne. They mess up our everyday universes, faces, expressions, gestures, words… They flow chaotically around us, exploding in small information bombs capable of producing multiple sensations by empathizing with them. However, Dr Siegel himself warns us that there are people with “ emotional blindness ”. Furthermore, there are personality profiles incapable of feeling these emotional “bubbles” of those closest to them.
William Ickes is one of the psychologists who have studied the dimension of empathy at a scientific and experimental level. As strange as it may seem, and this data is quite interesting, at a family level, the capacity for empathy among its members does not usually exceed 35 points. However, among good friendships, it surpasses 70.
The reason? At the family level, it is common to establish many personal filters. Sometimes we limit ourselves to seeing our children, our partner, siblings or parents as we want them to, and not as they really are. It is with this mental blindness that we ensure that everything is going well, that our “little world” has no loose ends, when in fact there are many needs to meet and many bonds to heal.
People who know how to listen with the heart
Listening to what the other person communicates to us without the need to say anything has a name: emotional communication. This “superpower” was evolving in our species through all these brain areas that configure the dimension of empathy. Researchers at Monash University, Australia, explain to us that effective empathy would be related to the “ insular cortex ”, while cognitive empathy, on the other hand, would be located in the “ cingulate cortex ”, just above the connection between the two cerebral hemispheres .
We all have these structures, however, we do not always leverage their capacity, their energy and this bond that, without a doubt, would enrich all our relationships much more. The reason why not everyone knows how to feel or hear each other with such authentic closeness is often linked to a lack of will or an excess of ego. This is what Emily Dickinson told us in her poem: “ no life will be in vain if it is able to feel and help another ” .
Because those who feel with their hearts wake up, and those who help demonstrate real desire and concern for the other. That’s where this wonderful power is born that makes us unique, that gives quality to our relationships and that, in essence, gives us the most valuable power that exists: that of giving happiness.
Images courtesy of Catrin Welz-Stein.
